Dave Barry Quotes (165 quotations)

Index Page # 1 of 7 (Quotes : 1 - 25 )

1. A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp. - Dave Barry

2. A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is. - Dave Barry

3. Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot! - Dave Barry

4. All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains? - Dave Barry

5. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. - Dave Barry

6. Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office. - Dave Barry

7. American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. - Dave Barry

8. American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry

9. And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. - Dave Barry

10. And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report. - Dave Barry

11. Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath. - Dave Barry

12. As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. - Dave Barry

13. As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved. - Dave Barry

14. Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. - Dave Barry

15. Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster. - Dave Barry

16. Bill Gates is a very rich man today ...and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. - Dave Barry

17. Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. - Dave Barry

18. Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. - Dave Barry

19. Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT." - Dave Barry

20. Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements... - Dave Barry

21. Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. - Dave Barry

22. DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables. - Dave Barry

23. Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. - Dave Barry

24. Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant. - Dave Barry

25. Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! - Dave Barry

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