Dave Barry Quotes (165 quotations)
Index Page # 3 of 7 (Quotes : 51 - 75 )
51. I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. - Dave Barry
52. I have never been into wine. I'm a beer man. What I like about beer is you basically just drink it and order more. You don't sniff at it, or hold it up to the light and slosh it around, or drone on and on about it, the way people do with wine. Your beer drinker tends to be a straightforward, decent, friendly, down-to-earth person, whereas your serious wine fancier tends to be an insufferable snot. - Dave Barry
53. I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding. - Dave Barry
54. I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. - Dave Barry
55. I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990. - Dave Barry
56. I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss. - Dave Barry
57. I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to. - Dave Barry
58. I want a pit crew...I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. - Dave Barry
59. I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers. - Dave Barry
60. I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. - Dave Barry
61. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. - Dave Barry
62. If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. - Dave Barry
63. If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most peope would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows. - Dave Barry
64. If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. - Dave Barry
65. If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies. - Dave Barry
66. If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. - Dave Barry
67. In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West-the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford-were caused by erosion. - Dave Barry
68. In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess. - Dave Barry
69. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!' - Dave Barry
70. In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print. - Dave Barry
71. It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. - Dave Barry
72. It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it. - Dave Barry
73. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. - Dave Barry
74. It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itself into large groups, it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain. - Dave Barry
75. It should come as no surprise that the person who first conceived of the modern electronic computer was Leonardo da Vinci, the brilliant Renaissance thinker who also had the original idea for virtually every other mechanical device we use today, including the helicopter, the ATM machine, Velcro, and the Thighmaster. - Dave Barry
52. I have never been into wine. I'm a beer man. What I like about beer is you basically just drink it and order more. You don't sniff at it, or hold it up to the light and slosh it around, or drone on and on about it, the way people do with wine. Your beer drinker tends to be a straightforward, decent, friendly, down-to-earth person, whereas your serious wine fancier tends to be an insufferable snot. - Dave Barry
53. I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding. - Dave Barry
54. I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. - Dave Barry
55. I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990. - Dave Barry
56. I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss. - Dave Barry
57. I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to. - Dave Barry
58. I want a pit crew...I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. - Dave Barry
59. I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers. - Dave Barry
60. I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. - Dave Barry
61. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. - Dave Barry
62. If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. - Dave Barry
63. If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most peope would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows. - Dave Barry
64. If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. - Dave Barry
65. If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies. - Dave Barry
66. If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. - Dave Barry
67. In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West-the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford-were caused by erosion. - Dave Barry
68. In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess. - Dave Barry
69. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!' - Dave Barry
70. In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print. - Dave Barry
71. It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. - Dave Barry
72. It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it. - Dave Barry
73. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. - Dave Barry
74. It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itself into large groups, it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain. - Dave Barry
75. It should come as no surprise that the person who first conceived of the modern electronic computer was Leonardo da Vinci, the brilliant Renaissance thinker who also had the original idea for virtually every other mechanical device we use today, including the helicopter, the ATM machine, Velcro, and the Thighmaster. - Dave Barry
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