Dave Barry Quotes (165 quotations)
Index Page # 4 of 7 (Quotes : 76 - 100 )
76. It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. - Dave Barry
77. I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garmets I own that still fit me comfortably are towels. - Dave Barry
78. Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. - Dave Barry
79. Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money. - Dave Barry
80. Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. - Dave Barry
81. Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art. - Dave Barry
82. Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. - Dave Barry
83. Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. - Dave Barry
84. Males have a lot of trouble not looking at breasts. What is worse, males cannot look at breasts and think at the same time. In fact, scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. This was proved in a famous 1978 laboratory experiment wherein a team of leading male psychological researchers at Yale deliberately looked at photographs of breasts every day for two years, at the end of which they concluded that they had failed to take any notes. "We forgot," they said. "We'll have to do it over." - Dave Barry
85. Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate. - Dave Barry
86. MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz. - Dave Barry
87. Miami does not have a visitor-friendly airport. At Miami International, a cramped and dingy labyrinth, the message is: Just Try to Find Our Baggage Claim Area! - Dave Barry
88. More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging. - Dave Barry
89. Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets-foods that have had all of their organs safely removed. - Dave Barry
90. My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. - Dave Barry
91. My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into bands with names like "Heave" and "Squatting Turnips." - Dave Barry
92. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and achocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry
93. Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. - Dave Barry
94. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. - Dave Barry
95. Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry
96. On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays: fear. - Dave Barry
97. Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. - Dave Barry
98. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. - Dave Barry
99. Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead. - Dave Barry
100. Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. - Dave Barry
77. I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garmets I own that still fit me comfortably are towels. - Dave Barry
78. Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. - Dave Barry
79. Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money. - Dave Barry
80. Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. - Dave Barry
81. Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art. - Dave Barry
82. Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. - Dave Barry
83. Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. - Dave Barry
84. Males have a lot of trouble not looking at breasts. What is worse, males cannot look at breasts and think at the same time. In fact, scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. This was proved in a famous 1978 laboratory experiment wherein a team of leading male psychological researchers at Yale deliberately looked at photographs of breasts every day for two years, at the end of which they concluded that they had failed to take any notes. "We forgot," they said. "We'll have to do it over." - Dave Barry
85. Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate. - Dave Barry
86. MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz. - Dave Barry
87. Miami does not have a visitor-friendly airport. At Miami International, a cramped and dingy labyrinth, the message is: Just Try to Find Our Baggage Claim Area! - Dave Barry
88. More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging. - Dave Barry
89. Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets-foods that have had all of their organs safely removed. - Dave Barry
90. My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. - Dave Barry
91. My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into bands with names like "Heave" and "Squatting Turnips." - Dave Barry
92. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and achocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry
93. Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. - Dave Barry
94. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. - Dave Barry
95. Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry
96. On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays: fear. - Dave Barry
97. Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. - Dave Barry
98. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. - Dave Barry
99. Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead. - Dave Barry
100. Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. - Dave Barry
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