Dave Barry Quotes (165 quotations)
Index Page # 5 of 7 (Quotes : 101 - 125 )
101. Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. - Dave Barry
102. Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. - Dave Barry
103. Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. - Dave Barry
104. Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. - Dave Barry
105. Software is usually accompanied by DOCUMENTATION in the form of big fat scary MANUALS that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's THE STAND with new covers pasted on. - Dave Barry
106. Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device. - Dave Barry
107. Speaking of music: We also had our consciousness raised several feet by the experience of attending the classic '60's rock concert...where everybody would sit around marinating in an atmosphere that was 1 part oxygen, 4 parts nitrogen and 17 parts doobie vapor. - Dave Barry
108. Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case. - Dave Barry
109. Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.) - Dave Barry
110. Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating. - Dave Barry
111. Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism. - Dave Barry
112. The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but-here is the big difference-in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. - Dave Barry
113. The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club. - Dave Barry
114. The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there's a man on base. - Dave Barry
115. The electric company has one of those automatic call-routing systems, designed by escaped Nazis with the aid of the Educational Testing Service, wherein you must use your Touch-Tone phone to pass a lengthy multiple-choice test (... if you know your first name but not your last name, press...). This is the electric company's way of testing your worthiness as a customer: It's similar to the way knights of old had to prove themselves by slaying dragons, except that instead of winning the hand of a fair maiden, you get put in line to speak with an actual Customer Service Representative. - Dave Barry
116. The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. - Dave Barry
117. The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM. - Dave Barry
118. The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison...Edison's first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. - Dave Barry
119. The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. - Dave Barry
120. The Internet "browser"...is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later. - Dave Barry
121. The Internet [is] a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other...While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings. - Dave Barry
122. The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. - Dave Barry
123. The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat - Dave Barry
124. The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... - Dave Barry
125. The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. - Dave Barry
102. Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. - Dave Barry
103. Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. - Dave Barry
104. Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. - Dave Barry
105. Software is usually accompanied by DOCUMENTATION in the form of big fat scary MANUALS that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's THE STAND with new covers pasted on. - Dave Barry
106. Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device. - Dave Barry
107. Speaking of music: We also had our consciousness raised several feet by the experience of attending the classic '60's rock concert...where everybody would sit around marinating in an atmosphere that was 1 part oxygen, 4 parts nitrogen and 17 parts doobie vapor. - Dave Barry
108. Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case. - Dave Barry
109. Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.) - Dave Barry
110. Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating. - Dave Barry
111. Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism. - Dave Barry
112. The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but-here is the big difference-in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. - Dave Barry
113. The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club. - Dave Barry
114. The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there's a man on base. - Dave Barry
115. The electric company has one of those automatic call-routing systems, designed by escaped Nazis with the aid of the Educational Testing Service, wherein you must use your Touch-Tone phone to pass a lengthy multiple-choice test (... if you know your first name but not your last name, press...). This is the electric company's way of testing your worthiness as a customer: It's similar to the way knights of old had to prove themselves by slaying dragons, except that instead of winning the hand of a fair maiden, you get put in line to speak with an actual Customer Service Representative. - Dave Barry
116. The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. - Dave Barry
117. The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM. - Dave Barry
118. The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison...Edison's first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. - Dave Barry
119. The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. - Dave Barry
120. The Internet "browser"...is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later. - Dave Barry
121. The Internet [is] a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other...While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings. - Dave Barry
122. The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. - Dave Barry
123. The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat - Dave Barry
124. The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... - Dave Barry
125. The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. - Dave Barry
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