Jay Leno Quotes (42 quotations)

Index Page # 1 of 2 (Quotes : 1 - 25 )

1. A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine. - Jay Leno

2. According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times. - Jay Leno

3. According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it. - Jay Leno

4. After seeing Condit last night, we now realize how great a liar Clinton was. - Jay Leno

5. America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allow advertising in its chat rooms. I can see why: you got computer sex, you can download pornography, people are making dates with 10 year-olds. Hey, what's this? A Pepsi ad? They're ruining the integrity of the Internet! - Jay Leno

6. An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself. - Jay Leno

7. At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterwards he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors. - Jay Leno

8. Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it. - Jay Leno

9. Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution. - Jay Leno

10. Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.' - Jay Leno

11. CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. - Jay Leno

12. Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.' - Jay Leno

13. For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward. - Jay Leno

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak. - Jay Leno

15. Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? - Jay Leno

16. Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent - over $500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month. - Jay Leno

17. Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just suddenly found out she lived in New York! - Jay Leno

18. How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak? - Jay Leno

19. I guess today Senator James Jeffords from Vermont left the Republican party, became an independent. Yeah, he said he did it to follow his conscience and his principles. See, that's why he became independent, if you have a conscience and principles, you can't be Republican or Democratic. - Jay Leno

20. I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite goodMaybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder. - Jay Leno

21. I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno

22. If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. - Jay Leno

23. In just two weeks, Bill Clinton will no longer be President of the United States. He'll just be another chubby, middle-aged guy annoying the waitresses at Hooters. - Jay Leno

24. Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything. - Jay Leno

25. It is now possible to protest in front of the White House by hiring a stand in. I am not making this up. You email this company on what issue you are mad about and they provide you with a sign and your own personalized protester to stand in front of the White House. Now how fat and lazy is this generation? Isn't that the ultimate irony, you send somebody in your place to picket against cloning? - Jay Leno

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