Emo Phillips Quotes (42 quotations)

Index Page # 1 of 2 (Quotes : 1 - 25 )

1. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Emo Phillips

2. At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. - Emo Phillips

3. How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. - Emo Phillips

4. I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' - Emo Phillips

5. I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. - Emo Phillips

6. I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference." - Emo Phillips

7. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." - Emo Phillips

8. I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. - Emo Phillips

9. I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks. - Emo Phillips

10. I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. - Emo Phillips

11. I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. - Emo Phillips

12. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. - Emo Phillips

13. I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse." - Emo Phillips

14. I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. - Emo Phillips

15. I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. - Emo Phillips

16. I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?" - Emo Phillips

17. I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. - Emo Phillips

18. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. - Emo Phillips

19. I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said 'Stop! don't do it!' 'Why shouldn't I?' he said. I said, 'Well, there's so much to live for!' He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well...are you religious or atheist?' He said, 'Religious.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?' He said, 'Christian.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?' He said, 'Protestant.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?' He said, 'Baptist!' I said, 'Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?' He said, 'Baptist church of god!' I said, 'Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?' He said, 'Reformed Baptist church of god!' I said, 'Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?' He said, 'Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!' I said, 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off. - Emo Phillips

20. I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. - Emo Phillips

21. I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. - Emo Phillips

22. I'm a great lover, I'll bet. - Emo Phillips

23. My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. - Emo Phillips

24. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. - Emo Phillips

25. My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'. - Emo Phillips

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