Steven Wright Quotes (116 quotations)

Index Page # 1 of 5 (Quotes : 1 - 25 )

1. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. - Steven Wright

2. Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time. - Steven Wright

3. Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'. - Steven Wright

4. Black holes are where God divided by zero. - Steven Wright

5. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. - Steven Wright

6. Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country. - Steven Wright

7. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. - Steven Wright

8. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? - Steven Wright

9. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? - Steven Wright

10. Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. - Steven Wright

11. Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture. - Steven Wright

12. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright

13. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright

14. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. - Steven Wright

15. He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in. - Steven Wright

16. How young can you die of old age? - Steven Wright

17. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. - Steven Wright

18. I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. - Steven Wright

19. I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add. - Steven Wright

20. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Steven Wright

21. I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." - Steven Wright

22. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. - Steven Wright

23. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. - Steven Wright

24. I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. - Steven Wright

25. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. - Steven Wright

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