Henny Youngman Quotes (14 quotations)

1. I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. - Henny Youngman

2. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman

3. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

4. I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in- law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. - Henny Youngman

5. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. - Henny Youngman

6. I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon. - Henny Youngman

7. My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? - Henny Youngman

8. My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henny Youngman

9. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman

10. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henny Youngman

11. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman

12. Whats the use of happiness? It cant buy you money. - Henny Youngman

13. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman

14. When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. - Henny Youngman

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